Embarrassed... I admit to you all that for the last few days I have been out of control. I binged one or two times and chose really junky food that left me feeling toxic and demoralized and strangely enough like eating more of it. Sometimes I get to feeling so badly, that I eat badly, and feel worse, so I eat worse... It's really hard to dig out or even have the desire to dig out. I usually resign myself to failing.
It starts with feeling… feeling badly, so I eat.... Even if I started with eating something I was ashamed of, it was the feeling of shame that kept me going. In other words, an event happened, triggered me to eat, shame followed, which turned into an event itself, so I ate more, have more shame… That’s the spiral.
I also notice that when I’m in a spiral I won’t exercise, eat my vegetables, fruits, or drink my milk. It's like I have a total disregard for my body because I think “Why bother, I'm such a failure.” Then I look over at some piece of tempting food and think “I ate that extra helping of ____. I may as well…”
Here's the change.
Here is where I try and tell myself "If I can say 'I may as well,' I can say 'I may as well not.' "
One slice of pizza is always going to have fewer calories than two. So I try to get a grip and feel a bit of strength coming on, as I remind myself “If I got a traffic ticket I wouldn’t break every traffic law the rest of the day. So why toss the whole day over a slice of pizza or some cookies?"
So here's to a new day. Here's to me, fail or no fail.