Thursday, October 20, 2011

Clone Anybody?

I think I'm getting old. I keep getting up earlier and earlier. Andy gets up at 4am to get ready for work, and I get up with him to help him make his lunch and just spend a few quiet moments alone with him. I used to go right back to bed when he left, snuggling in on his side, feeling the little bit of warmth left from his body. But lately I have just been staying up! It is dark, and it's easy to forget that it's early morning and not late at night. But I get some quiet time and my first cup of coffee is uninterrupted. Little Man however, woke up this morning at 4:40am, and wasn't so sure about being put back to bed. "Why isn't it sunny?" was his question. He is now cuddled on my pillow in my bed.
I was thinking the other day that I wish there were 4 or 5 of me. I actually pictured myself emptying the dishwasher, another clone folding clothes, clone #3 doing homework, and the original me just spending time with my kids and my husband, not thinking one bit about the other things on the never-ending to-do list. And I'm serious; it's a NEVER ENDING LIST! Do you get frustrated when you start something and people, time, just life in general, don't allow you to finish? Sometimes I just know I won't be finishing what I'm about to start, so I don't start it. Is that a definition of procrastination? I can procrastinate like the best of them. Like now. I should be doing homework. Oh, shouldn't I. I have so so so much due in just 9 weeks, the end of my second-to-last semester. I know what will happen. I will wait until that last week and then go bald with pulling my hair out from being so stressed. My family will want to quietly murder me. I have great intentions, but rarely put them into action. Except for yesterday. You see, I have started my 135 hour practicum in a preschool setting, and it takes me away from home a lot right now. This means that Little Man is bounced around from place to place, and oh, the guilt. You don't even know. Well, maybe some of you do. He is totally fine, spending time with Nanny, or Aunt Kim, or even 2 1/2 hours every Tuesday at preschool at the christian school my older two attend. And on Fridays, he is home all day with Daddy. But I MISS HIM. He is special, his whole "being here" is different from my other two, and I feel so bad leaving him. He's just a little guy, and shouldn't I be with him now, everyday, all day? It's like rubbing salt in the wound too, when I think about the fact that I'm with kids his age all day, but he's missing. I even asked about whether or not he could come with me to my practicum, knowing full well that that wouldn't be allowed. So back to yesterday. After spending 7 hours in my practicum, I booked it the 9 miles to my mom's house to "rescue" my son. When I arrived, he and his cousin (same age) and Nanny were outside playing hide and seek. He saw me and ran with open arms across the yard. Inside I was repeating to myself "don't cry, don't cry...". I still don't know if I was talking to myself or him. He hugged me and then headed for the car. He was ready! The rest of the evening, I did what I had promised myself I would do, and I spent every moment with him. It was 3 blissful hours and I felt energized. I managed to make dinner in there for the family with Andy's help, and Little Man had a very long bath. I know he's fine. Everyone says that, and you may be tempted to comment on this post and tell me that very thing. But he won't be little forever. And I want him to be. One of the hardest things in the world that I am going through right now is the very beginning of "empty nest syndrome" with my oldest. He is still home, but at 17 1/2, he doesn't "need" momma much anymore. And right now, I don't feel so much like he even really likes me! I try and keep my distance, allowing him space to make decisions and also experience the consequences of those decisions. He is a very smart kid, and I am so proud. But it hurts. Like a hurt I have never ever felt. And I hate that I can't stop it, and that I also can't stop it from happening two more times after him. Girly Girl is almost 13. Where has the time gone. And so, I guess if my procrastination is the cause of not getting anything done, then I will embrace it, because getting nothing done seems to be the definition of spending time with my children. The assignments will get done. The laundry won't get up and walk away and leave us naked. The dish washer may stay full or need to be loaded, but what is important, my children, will be fed. And not just food for their bellies, but fed with LOVE from me. I still wouldn't mind those 4 clones though...


4 comments:

  1. I have this very same post written in my head. It was supposed to have been published this week but that didn't happen. Maybe next week if I find the time. I'm not going to say LM is fine (although he is) because I feel the same way and my heart throbs at times b/c the days are quickly slipping away! As for MSP, I don't even want to think about mine leaving....EVER!!

    PS You should change your commenting format. I can't comment when using IE and the way to fix that is to make the comment box pop up. Just FYI...a lot of people have been losing commenters because it has been such a pain!

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