Monday, June 28, 2010

Wishy Washy Feelings

I have been concentrating, more or less, on my other BLOG , and so I haven't been here in almost a week! Speaking of my other blog, I need to post there too.
Right now I am watching The Bachelorette. I'm addicted, I must say. I know who I want to win. Roberto. But ABC is doing a really good job at making it look like she picks Frank. We shall see!
I am tired tonight, but not real anxious to go to bed. The DiSH just left for work. Yeah. At 9:30pm. He was called this afternoon, wondering if he would come in to cover a night shift. He said yes, and then soon after, went to bed for a few hours.
He is working at a home for troubled boys as a residential counselor. I am so proud of his accomplishments over the last month. He has really found his niche'. Finally. After doing so many different jobs in the 22 years of working, I can SEE that he is in the field that I hope he stays in forever and continues to grow in. He deals daily with boys that have been dealt a hard life. Without going into anything and breaking confidences, I can say that he can relate to these boys and some of life's hardships. I think that when people can relate personally to what is going on around them, and to the people they are working with, everyone, including that person, benefits 100%. He comes home after a 13 hour shift, and he feels peace.
As most of you know, we struggled through the winter financially. And our spirits began to break. We had to make big sacrifices, and live very simply. We learned to not take things for granted, a steady paycheck especially. Our kids made us so happy, and throughout the difficult time, our eyes were opened to the fact that we are doing a good job at this thing called parenting! When Christmas came, and the gifts were a lot less in quantity than in past years, they never complained, not once. We realized that the most important thing to all of us was EACH OTHER. We have done good at carrying that lesson with us each day.
I needed to put all of this out there, into words, because lately I have been having a bit of a pity party for myself lately. I see my husband loving his job so much, and that has never really happened before. Not like this. He's not "married" to his job, but in a weird way, it feels like a betrayal, right before my eyes. Something else besides the life we live inside these four walls, is making him happy! Of course my head knows that that is SO awesome. But some days, my heart says, "hey, remember me?"
He is considered part-time right now, and even though the hours are plenty right now, we just don't know how long that will last. On top of 40+ hours at the House, carpentry work has also been picking up. Garage doors, porches, roofs, small indoor jobs.....they have all been falling into place, giving him things to do on the days he's not working his regular job. This too is wonderful, because working with his hands and creating things has always been something he enjoys as well. It was the uncertainty of when/if there would be a next job that was the stressful part, and ultimately the reason he began to look elsewhere for something permanent.
So there you have the latest on my DiSH. So what's my problem you might be asking. I ask myself that all the time. I MISS HIM. I miss us. I do the motions as best as I can here, trying hard to make our home a clean, safe and happy one. I am 24/7 with Little Man. I hate to talk about this, because I don't want to sound like I am complaining about being with my LITTLE PREEMIE MIRACLE everyday, but I really hardly get any time to myself, and that really starts to play mind games with me after a while! I lose my patience, and as soon as I do, I feel so.......BAD. Not bad as in Aww, but bad like a really bad person. Someone that doesn't deserve to be Little Man's mommy. He loves me so much, and just wants to play with me, do what I'm doing, go where I'm going. And because I can't even pee alone, get dressed alone, or go to the mailbox without a little voice calling me, I tend to sometimes hear his voice like it's fingernails on a chalkboard. Isn't that awful?! I hate admitting it. I'm so tempted to hit Backspace right now.
I have not finished my financial aid forms yet for next semester, and they are supposed to be in by July 1. Yeah. In two days. I can't seem to find the interest in doing it. I don't know how I'll do schoolwork on top of homeschooling my 11 year old, and taking care of a 2 1/2 year old, while my husband works. I'm on the fence about that one. The only ME time I want right now, is actually shared ME time with my hubby. I want to feel like a first priority and lately I have not. What's frustrating to me though, is that it isn't even anything that he is doing wrong. It's just that he's Doing at all. And it's stuff I'm not part of. I ask him and then genuinely listen to him tell me about his day, and then that's it. He asks me what I did today, and I know he wants to know. But it sounds and seems so irrelevant after listening to him.
Tomorrow he will be home at 8:30am. He will sleep, and then when he wakes up, he plans on working more on the bathroom ceiling that he tore apart today before he had to go take a nap. He said he would work on it as long as he could, which I'm guessing means into the evening. I think he thinks that's what I want him to do. Of course it needs to be finished, but if only first he would say "When I wake up tomorrow, lets go for a walk, just me and you." Ahhh!! That would be so great. We have two older children that can watch Little Man for us, so walks are a possibility! But instead, my bathroom ceiling will get finished, he will be happy it's done, ask me what I think, and I will be once again, amazed at what he can do. Then bedtime will come, and then five straight days of work at the Boys' House follows, right into Monday the 5th. A friend called him today to see if he could help him with some light indoor carpentry work, and I heard the DiSH say, "yeah, maybe Monday." Sigh.
So my quandary is that I am feeling selfish when I should be feeling nothing but grateful. Grateful to God for always being with us, never leaving us, never causing us to have to leave our home, or suffer greatly. Grateful for a able-bodied husband that doesn't mind hard work and long hours. Grateful for three kids that are so strong and healthy, helpful and happy.
So what do you think? Am I being a big baby?! I feel like one. And I don't know what to do about it.......


  1. No. You are not being a big baby. I could have written your post mostly. I am so there with you right now. there is so much going on in my life with my sister and now I am watching baby Jacob 12 hours a day (who may become ours if things don't turn around for his Mom...shhh) and I have Blaze who I love with my whole heart and soul but sometimes i want peace. I want to get my nails done or read a book or sew something pretty or do nothing or take a nap. But like you I am being followed 24/7 and Chris and I hardly ever have time together and I try to explain to him and he doesn't get it. He leaves for work at 7:30 am and gets home around 5:30 pm then has to feed the horses and water them so he doesn't get in the house until 7 or so and I am so frazzled by that time and trying to cook with Blaze running under my feet and the dog needs to pee and the cats haven't been fed yet and the laundry just finished and I need to load the dishwasher. Man it never ends and he says....but you don't have to go to work. Man, I think an 8 hr job woul dbe a break sometimes haha. I have just started telling Chris I need me time and we need us time so I think you should just tell your hubby, hey instead of finishing the ceiling today can we just go for a walk? I am sure he would say yes.

  2. Lisa, girrrrrl, everytime I visit you we seem to be going through similar matters of life. My hubby has been working a lot of overtime and although the money is much needed, I miss him! I had a pity party this weekend, but no one showed up. LOL
    We're women traveling a challenging journey and I actually speak of this in the book God blessed me to write. Women go through so many emotions, yet we don't share the valley moments, which makes us feel we're alone in our emotions.
    Thank you for sharing yourself and PLEASE know, you are not alone and you are definitely not a baby. Little Man is the ONLY baby in your house (smile).
    Have a JOYFUL holiday weekend!

  3. You sound needy like me! When Mike works long hours I feel bad for wanting him to spend time with me instead of mowing the yard or taking Maggie to the gym with him. I think it's hard when they're always away from us and then there's the whole Mommy needs some "me" time thing too. It's hard, but you'll get through it.

  4. You are def. not alone! We are blessed in so many ways. One of those ways is to be able to stay home but we are also human. We all need a break and we all need to nurture relationships other than with our children. I sometimes have the same feelings but when I am away from Andrew, I miss him like crazy!!

  5. This post made me cry...because I feel like this ALL THE TIME. What you wrote is almost exactly how I feel most days. My husband works a regular job and he works side jobs on his day off to provide for us (or works on project here at the house) and I'm proud of him, but in the inside I am always thinking 'what about me' and it feels so selfish!! Oh man I'm crying just writing this. Sometimes I just wish we could spend more time together and sometimes I just want a moment alone, with out feeling guilty about it. With four little kids that need me, a daycare to run, a house to clean and a husband that is hardly ever just all get overwhelming. So I guess in my rambling way I'm just trying to tell you I relate so much to your feelings as I feel so often the same way, thanks for sharing. Sometimes it feels good to know you are not alone.


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