This post may take me a bit to write/edit/finish/publish. I've never done that. I usually sit down, pick a few pictures I want to share, get all witty and then hit publish, all within a 30 minute time frame. I don't know when the last time was that I shared some of my more private thoughts here. Maybe never? It's not easy for me to be visible, as in, transparent. I do well smiling big on the outside, looking you in the face when I talk and listen, trying to ask all the right questions and say all the right things. As long as it's about YOU. But I started this blog for more reasons than to just be the occasional comedian, or on Mondays talk about the things I did NOT do, or to share vintage pictures and talk about old friends. Those things are great, and they all make up different parts of this young/old soul, but it's not all.
I have a hard time cutting strings. I seem to feel the need to somehow stay attached to the things that really have a big impact on my life. Some strings don't need cutting, and will only grow stronger with time, prayer and mutual care. That is my family. Last night we had cake and icecream for my dad's 59th birthday. The whole family was there (minus one brother-in-law), 8 grand-kids, my two sisters, my mom, my hubby and one sisters' hubby. I love it. Although we didn't stay long because Little Man's bedtime was becoming later and later and he was becoming more and more tired, it was okay. I got that "family rush" that I love so much, got hugs from all the nephews (Girly Girl is the only girl) and saw the happy face of my dad on his birthday. Easy strings to keep tied tight.
Then there are the strings that have threatened to unravel for a long time. Strings that I always thought I needed to keep tying to the very thin deteriorating pieces that were left and hold on tight to for my life. It felt like if those strings were once and forever cut, I'd be dangling in the open, crying for help lest I fall in the dark unknown. The thing is, I knew for a long time that those strings needed to be cut. But instead of following my head, I followed my heart. Or was it the other way around? After all, it really was my heart strings that were all knotted up.
Recently, with the help of someone that unbeknownst to me was part of that knot, I began to finally let those strings unravel. Before my eyes, the knots came undone and soon the string was cut. CUT! And that feeling of hanging by a thread? Gone. Instead those dangling strings have begun to rety themselves into a promising new and beautiful bow.
Never let someone else try to tell you that what you are feeling, thinking or doing is something you need to get over. Never let them minimize YOUR life. That string that finally severed itself from the healthy strands that twist together perfectly and form ME, is defunct. For good. And now I will learn to tie new knots with new string, and create dazzling, exquisite and graceful bows and wear them with self-satisfaction, self-respect and self-confidence. My heart is free and it breathes easily now with the cords let loose. The beautiful bows have begun to form.