Okay, so I need your help. Seriously, I do. I am dealing with something that I have never dealt with before. Separation Anxiety. Little Man is 17 1/2 months old, and is most definitely at his peak with this SA. Here's a little peek into my days: LM wakes up around 6am everyday. He won't leave his crib without his trusty Bear. He then wants to cuddle for close to 30 minutes. (Only a month ago or so, he would get up, walk out of his room, go play, all smiles, giggling, just happy). Cuddling is fine, don't get me wrong. But he doesn't seem happy. I know he's been cutting lots of teeth in the last couple of months, and has had one minor cold as well. I can't help but think maybe he's having "growing pains" as well. After he fully wakes up, I try putting him down. And it starts. He cries. I walk away, he follows me, crying. Daddy can't console, big brother and sister can't console. I put him in his highchair for breakfast. He's fine if I'm sitting next to him, helping him eat. But that few minutes it takes to make his oatmeal, or cut up the banana, or add Peanut butter to the toast is like torture for him! He is totally fine when I'm sitting right there. Laughs, eats well, (hasn't lost his appetite at all), etc. But if I get up and walk five feet to the frig or sink, he starts in. He follows me around the house all day. My house is NOT big....it is wide open spaces, so he can usually always see me from his toys, his books, wherever he may be. I spend A LOT of time on the floor lately!!! Thank goodness for obedient older children who love him so much, that they try hard to play, and when he still just wants Mommy, they help pick up things, do the chores, so at least my house does not fall apart around Little Man and I as we read books and Books, and more BOOKS.... It is even to the point where not only does he want to go into the bathroom with me when I go, but now he must stand close, and yes, be hugging me as I pee!! If I need to shower, I can only do it when he is sleeping, or else he sits outside the door, and says Mommy Mommy Mommy about 80,000 times. Believe me, I counted. The only thing that works, sort of, is if someone takes him outside.
Yesterday we went to Nanny and Papa's for lunch (my parents). He loves them. Gets all excited when I talk about it. But we get there, and when he is put down for just a millisecond, he started crying. I put him in the highchair, and then took 3 steps to get his food....he just cries! I know my family loves him so dearly, and they all try to console, but he just pushes people away, and screams. My dad is very old-school, and doesn't get it. At one point, he even said "you're bad!" It was in a teasing, supposed to be, funny voice, but it bothered me. It bothered my mom too, because she said, "Papa! He's not bad! Don't say that!" I can't help but think my dad thinks I am raising a spoiled brat. Sometimes I wonder myself. What am I doing wrong??? My older two never went through this. And I was a SAHM then too. The only thing that is different is that I used to babysit other children when the older two were young. It has only been Little Man and I from the beginning. When daddy goes to work, and Mr. Smarty Pants and Girly Girl go to school, its 7 hours of just us. I do play dates with my sister and her kids sometimes, he goes to Sabbath School each week, we do the normal shopping and walks, all that too. He's not isolated. I've done some reading, and I just hope this too shall pass. But what I am hoping from you guys, is some Yes, I've been there too and here's the fix!!! What have YOU done? How bad has it been? Any stories to share with me so I don't feel so over-whelmed and alone with this?? He sleeps now, and I watch the clock, feeling like I am on a time-limit to just be ME. I hate going to bed at night, even though I am so exhausted. Yesterday at my mom and dad's, I took a small walk, YES with Little Man, and shed some tears that made me feel better, but at the same time, worse. I have great Daddy support, he tries everything, which I must say, must also not be easy when his baby boy just screams Mommy the whole time.
Thank you for reading, and I look forward to your HELP!! Okay.......waiting.......refresh page.....again......again........biting nails.....watching clock......refresh............................... :)
I think it probably is the fact thay it is just you and him most of the time. My son does this too and if I shut the bathroom door then he gets mad and turns over the dvd shelf or something. Not good but I am trying to give him alone time every day in his room where he is safe. I put a gate up and go check on him every little bit and he is doing better. I mean we have to be able to move or pee...lol... without a child attached to our leg right?!
ReplyDeleteHi Lisa, I also went through this with Grant. He did not ever want to be away from me. I worked at the preschool teaching Kindergarten (half day program) where he and Audrilyn went to "school", and when he was in the three year old program, at one point during the day they came to let me know how he was doing (I was literally down the hall in my classroom). They said they couldn't get him away from the science table. He had stopped crying but wouldn't leave. I was like "okay?" and then they said, NO, he is UNDER the table and we can't get him to come out. Poor baby. I felt SO bad. He had cried himself silly, had his blankie, and was waiting for me to come get him. I promise it will get better with Little Man. It did with Grant. Although, there are times even now when he has trouble. When there is a school function and I go to see him, he has a really hard time when I have to leave, and even cries sometimes. That is one reason I was so worried when he had to start going to his dad's for visits. He would beg me to stay and sleep in his bed with him there. So sad. Broke my heart. But I can tell you this, it is trememdously better. And when you feel overwhelmed, and I am sure you do because I remember!, think of this: God gives us these little gifts for such a short while, and even though we are coming unglued at times (I was), in the end, time flies by and we will wish we had these moments again not too far in the future. If being with YOU makes him happy and content, that is good, and that feeling will last him a lifetime. You are not spoiling him, you are meeting his current NEED. It's not like you are buying him new toys to stop crying, or whatever would make him spoiled. This WILL pass. I'll pray that it gets more bearable. Hope this helps in some small way. Oh, I put up pics of the quilt on my blog. I think it came out nice. ttyl.
ReplyDeleteI have dealt with this issue many times with my own children and then on the other side of the fence with other people's children in my daycare. The main thing to remember is to keep the emotion out of it, try to be really non-chalet about the whole thing. Don't let him see that it upsets you. Reassure him as needed that he is okay. Don't change your schedule though to accommodate this. Do what you need to do even if it means listening to him scream and just know that he is okay because you are still right there. This will make this horrible time pass quicker, other wise it will drag out way longer then it needs too. I've seen mom's who get too emotionally tied in with this phase thinking that they did something to cause it, and then making it last way longer then it needs to and making it way worse because they get upset seeing their child upset, which just makes a mess. With my own boys I calmly told them to go to (or put them in) there room, with the door open until they got themselves under control. I did this for all screaming and crying and fit throwing that just wouldn't stop (not if they were crying because they were hurt of course) putting them back in as necessary until they got the idea. It can take a while, but they do eventually get it. I start this before they are two and usually by two they know the routine. Now even with my youngest who just turned two all I have to say when he is freaking out is "go to your room until you are ready to control yourself", and he will usually stop before even going there. Or he will go into his room and then say "done mommy" which is really cute, and then we are able to start over. I don't know if this would work for you, but it works great for us. It hard to explain in a post. Just remember it's a phase most kids go through no matter what that peaks at 18 months and then starts getting better. You will survive and so will he!
ReplyDeleteHey lisa, yah you are so right about always saying goodbye and never sneaking away. I always encourage daycare parents to do this too, no matter how hard it seems at the time if their child starts crying. They always calm down and adjust so much better if their parent told them goodbye and didn't sneak off. Sneaking off is so scary for the child, especially if they are somewhere new, then they feel lost. It sounds like you are reading some good books! I always use distraction (finding something fun for them to do or talking to them about something) as a technique with daycare kids that are having a hard time with seperation. It works really well the majority of the time. My boys have all come out of this stage for the most part and I am so thankful because it can be really overwhelming. You are smart to take a break, get some alone time. :)
ReplyDeleteLisa,
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy you have helpful comments on this one because I wouldn't have a clue what to do! We know one thing...it won't last forever!
You have gotten good advice. My daughter was definately a mama's girl and hated everyone else coming near her but it didn't last long and we survived it.
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